Pilot jokes

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Word of wisdom for the dumb

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent, education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the risk

Work fascinates me...I can look at it for hours

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....What more can I say.

Euro-language

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of thesilent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Latest addition in Oxford dictionary......

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead